I Shall Not Ride Like Hell For Samara

I've been trying to figure out my stance with this agressive form of brain cancer.  So my mind goes back to the mat in the dojo, and how to set my stance.

Thing is, somthitng is gonna getcha.  The irony of trying to outrun certain death is beautifully illusrated in one of my favorite Arabic stories,  Appoinment at Samara.  Just in case it doesn't ring a bell, it goes something like this:

A merchant sends his servant to the marketplace for provisions. The servant comes home white and trembling and tells him that in the marketplace,he saw death .  Borrowing the merchant’s horse, he flees at great speed to Samarra, a distance of about 75 miles (125 km), where he believes Death will not find him. The merchant then goes to the marketplace and finds Death, and asks why she is after his servant. Death replies that she was not in pursuit, just surprised to see the esrvant in the marketplace since she had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.

From years ago on the mat, I remember how it felt to face a martial arts psycho who tried to intimidate me.  I was willing to give the match my best, even to get injured, but not to allow him to scare me out of competition.  So I will fight, but I will not run.  Even if this agressive brain cancer keeps sending out feelers and trying to set up shop in my Self Space.

I keep remembering Churchill's speeach when he made The Decision that England was not going to capitulate to the Germans, so forgive the language.  But just now, it suits me.

I shall fight it with radiation and chemo.  I will show up early for those hated, skull-rattling MRIs.  I shall gratefully acceept every free massage.  I shall swim every morning.  I shall meditate.  I shall rest deeply as I need to, no matter what other people want from me in the moment.  I shall treat myself as if I have the value ascribed to me by the people who love me the most.   I shall fight with all available means.

I shall put a little fence around each and every day, calculating how I can meet life in the most loving way possible.  I shall live according to my dearest values every day I have left to be this Self I now am.

I shall embrace every cup of tea and story and friend's visit and every dog fart with reverence and joy.

But I will not run. I will not jump and quail at shadows. I will not be shaken from my Self by the fear of losing myself.   I will not be chased away from the gifts of my own life.

I shall say Hi to Death in the morning and thank her for the new skills aand insights she has given me.

But I shall not ride like Hell for Samara.