Cake or Death Pt 1

One of these mornings I woke up wondering why I should stick around at all.

Reason 1:  Suicide is  a HORRIBLE thing to do to people who love you.  It haunts them forever.

Reason 2:  I am a chicken.Suicide is NOT painless, many people pulled back from the brink say, "I don't know what the HELL I was thinking!  Forget THAT!"

There's a phrase I remember well from when I was growing up in Maine:  "If you can't hold up your end, what the hell GOOD are ya?" This becomes especially vivid when carrying a canoe out of the lake, or butchering a deer.

I have always been ferociously independent, which decreased slightly with arthritis.  Not being able to walk to the bus stop really changes your life.  It changes even more when your brain tumor makes you a seizure risk and you can't drive, either.

I've been easing away from my idea of myself as physically strong and robust, as independent, and as definitely going to make it to 89.

However.

I have been spoken to by my friend Erinne, who reminded me of all the emotional and spiritual work I've done on myself for many years and the dogged way I tend to hang on and keep on, that I am perfectly prepared to Be Hopeful.  Right now.  And the soft, insistent voice of Dr Chow still recurs, telling me that a "positive outlook and hope have documented benefits."  So, yeah, I'll press on as usual.

It's precarious.  But I've been training for the tightrope.

BUT.

That's not a reason to stick around.

That reason was crystal clear this morning as I gazed at the man who had fallen asleep cradling my cheek in his hand.  The man who helped the brain surgeon find his place on the scan.  The man who I've been living with for thirteen years, who I love more than anyone I've ever loved in my life, who is my best friend, who is my sanctuary, my home, my partner...and that's all you get, pilgrim.  The rest of my life with him is none of your business.  This is a family show.

Ahem.

The reason to stick around, simply, is love.  I adore him.

I worry about him.  I want him to be healthy and have support.

But I can't just bail when I could kiss him even one more time.