The 8Things to Not Do

...When a friend is struck by illness, looming possibility of death, or disbility:
  don't dehumanize them.

This can be hard to resist, as described by Terry Prachett in his novel Mort.  Death's grandaughter in the book can step out of human temporal limitations and finds it difficult to relate to people because, "It was hard to deal with people when a tiny part of you saw them as atoms that would not be around in another few decades."  Terry Prachett also said, "Evil begins the minute you start treating people as things."

The thought of someone not being there anymore can shake you up.  But don't allow it to make you act like an asshole by dehumanizing them in the following ways:

1. Come at them with the pity pout.  If you come at them with your face all twisted up in pity, that's just inside-out superiority.  Get that pity off your face before you get hit by bus and killed before them and then look really stupid.

2.  Gush your grief all over them.  They are not suddenly your grief tampon.  Get a grip on yourself.

3.  Come slappin' labels on them, like "Tough" and "Strong".  Your friend is not suddenly an inspirational poster.  The disabled community knows this phenom well.  They call it inspiration porn.  Do not splay your friend out covered in labels you are picking for them.

4.  Tell them what's wrong with their karma because you read The Secret.  Leave the victim-blaming to the dude bros in the courts.  If you ever feel that someone who met with misfotune might have in any way had it coming, stay away from them for your own safety.  People who preach to cancer survivors about their bad karma get pushed down the basement satirs.  Or they would, if karma actually worked.

4.  Turn into a Hallmark Card.  Polyannaisms are insulting and demeaning.  Even, "I just know you'll be OK!" is arrogant.  Because you DON'T  know that.  It also basically temps fate.  Do not try to reasure someone with platitudes.

5.  Share your terror.  The operson who is acutually in the scary situation is handling it their own way.  Don't throw your own fear into the mix and ask them to handle it for you.  It's like tossing a bowling ball to ther person about to be hanged.  Handle your own fear your own way, and let them handle theirs in their way.  They are trying to hold it together already.

6.  Get ahead of the unfortunate on the gallows humor.  I did this once, making a joke to a friend about his loss of sight.  I had no idea how insentitive I was being since it seemed like the kind of joke he made a lot.  But that's the point to all of these-it was not my joke to make.  When you are too gleefully dark over someon'e misfortune, it's like you're running ahead to the gallows, giggling and brandishing your hanky and getting it ready to dunk.  It's creepy, insulting and dehumanizing.  Let them make their own humor when they need it, not when you do.

The basic principal behind of all of these Don'ts is, don't forget who this is actually happening to.  It might bring out your fear or grief or nervousness-in that case, bring soup and then go home. Don't spend your possibly final moments with someone you like or love objectifying them like that.  I know it's hard, but please make the effort, if only for yourself.

As a person who is in fact still living, they deserve to be treated with respect and humanity.  And it might be your last chance to give that to them.

SO, fair question:  What are the DOs?

1.  Check in with them.  Ask them how they are.  LISTEN to what they say.  Be on their side by accepting what they say, and back them on it.  If they are happy about their doctor, you can easily agree that medicine gets more amazing all the time.   This is how you support without pushing too hard.

2.  Give concrete support.  This is why soup is so appealing to give.  And soup IS nice.

3.  Check in with yourself to see if you honestly believe in your friend.  If you do, just let that resonate between you without slapping on labels like"strong" or Hallmark Carding them.  If you truly believe in them, there's no need to cheerlead. 

4.  Email or text someone with cancer.  Calls out of nowhere are tough becuae they sap energy, and cancer doesn't leave you much to play with.  Respect your friend's new limits.